FUTBOL: "THE BEAUTIFUL GAME" or OPERA BUFFO?

While many of us, well, some of us, will be glued to the screen for tonight’s US vs Portugal World Cup match, it seems Ron Vazzano might not be.  Or will he?

.

THEIR CUP RUNNETH OVER

 by RON VAZZANO

 

th-3This is the quadrennial year for the World Cup in which about 3,200 countries (32 actually…it only seems that way to this bystander who doesn’t really “get” this sport), will compete for supremacy in the world of Soccer. This is serious stuff. And there literally could be blood, as there once was for a poor guy who came up short in the contest.

—–

Los Angeles Times, July 3, 1994

 

     BOGOTA, Colombia — Angry at Colombia’s elimination from the World Cup soccer tournament, gunmen Saturday shot and killed Andres Escobar, the player who      accidentally scored a goal against his own side in a match with the United States and helped seal the team’s fate, police said.

 —-

Mr. Escobar’ fatal boo boo was the equivalent of half of the only two goals the U.S. would score by their own feet (or heads) over the course of the four games they played that year! Which brings me to a question I have vocalized on several occasions to devotees of the sport —much to my own peril: how can you follow a sport in which scoring occurs about as frequently as a solar eclipse?

 

guillermo-ochoa-mexicoThere is such a profound imbalance between offense and defense, that not only is it hard to score, but so too, is even the potential to score. It is not uncommon to see a goalie only have to make about three saves an entire game. In another low scoring sport, hockey, New York Ranger Goalie Henrik Lundqvist made an astounding 48 saves in a 3-2 loss in the Stanley Cup final this month.

 

Of course in hockey, they are on skates and can move up and down a rather compact rink at speeds of almost 30 MPH. In soccer, men in cleats have to traverse a field larger than the state of Delaware, with the opposing goals being in different area codes.

 

“All Americans care about is scoring,” I’ve been ‘castigatingly’ told. “You have to appreciate the footwork and ball control.”

 

leo-messi-balances-ball-on-headIf I wanted to watch great ball control without the use of hands, I would watch a seal balancing a ball on its nose. Though come to think of it, with the Ed Sullivan Show long gone, where could I actually get to see that these days?

 

Here I am making sport of another guy’s sport, one played around the globe, while I have waxed unabashedly poetic and philosophic and even theological, on the wonder and beauty of baseball. Which for many, is a game that can bore them to tears for its being far too slow moving and ungoverned by a clock. So while acknowledging my chauvinism on the matter, I turn my attention to time and clock, and the Alice in Wonderland way in which they are handled in soccer.


ResizedGuiseppePagliacciTime in a soccer game is not real, but alleged. While claiming to play for ninety minutes,  those minutes include: time that the ball is knocked out of bounds and therefore out of play …the time that expires  as teams leisurely set up for corner kicks and penalty kicks and the like… the stoppage of play by a referee’s whistle for some infraction, which is then often contested by the perpetrator, as if doing a scene from Pagliacci…the team celebrations of hugging, kissing, rending of garments, and in general, going into seizures  over the sheer improbability over what has just occurred. And all the while the clock keeps ticking…

 

imageOf course, if a player is seriously injured to the point where he must be carried off the field, or given last rites, they will add a few minutes to the contest in compensation. Though that too will be vague, and there will be no counting down of seconds by the fans as the game nears its end, as you will get in other clock-sports. No one really knows when the end is near. Suddenly, a whistle blows. Game. You would think in a sport where it is already so daunting a task to score a goal, not a precious second would go uncounted.

 

But all that aside, the World Cup is a spectacle. And spectacles are fun. And who doesn’t like a spectacle? (Aside from maybe a participant from Columbia.). And I’ll tune in if it gets interesting as the Cup moves along towards its finale on July 13th. I’ve been known to watch Synchronized Swimming, if the U.S. was closing in on another Gold. My country ‘tis of thee, sweet land of dominancy. Of thee I sing.

 

UnknownYet, when “we” won that first game against Ghana 2-1 earlier this month, while scoring the fastest American goal ever in World Cup history at the 32-second mark, and a soccer bar’s window in Seattle was shattered(Reckless in Seattle?), I wondered if a record was broken along with that window, for the Jerkiest Sports Bar Moment for a game that decided nothing.

 

Imagine if the U. S. of A. were somehow, one day, ever to win one of these things what might break out?

Screen Shot 2014-06-22 at 7.49.56 AM

                                      

The odds of that happening this year, as of this soliloquy, are about 250-1 according to London bookies. Who of course drive on the wrong side of the road.

 

And for all my issues with the sport and its culture, I will continue to root, root, root for the home team: USA!USA!USA! And… ♫ If they don’t win it’s a shame ♫… In which case—though a soccer atheist— I pray that Italy does.

 

                           

                        *                            *                          *

 

5 Replies to “FUTBOL: "THE BEAUTIFUL GAME" or OPERA BUFFO?”

  1. John Sponcia says:

    Good column Ron. But Charlie, if you ever hear of, or witness me watching a soccer game please call 911 and get me to Bellevue’s pychiatric unit, because I will have lost it! Yes, Americans like scoring because it determines the winner and more scoring creates more interest and generally more FUN! NO SCORING is BORING!
    I watched my kids play soccer because it taught them coordination and teamwork at an early age. I went because they were MY kids. Soccer is great for that purpose.
    I realize on the worldwide stage it’s a massively popular sport but it has remained at best a high school sport in the USA, despite the numerous professional leagues formed in the last forty years. It has not, and will not gain traction or a fan base in the US for the reasons Ron pointed out. The World Cup allows for our jingoism to be displayed every four years mostly by people who know little or nothing about soccer. But that’s okay as long as no one gets hurt or killed, I guess it’s a pleasant diversion from the madness we witness daily around the globe.
    Timely post, Charlie and Ron!
    Jack

  2. Great article, Ron, and thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jack. Okay, it looks like I’m going to have to educate the unwashed masses. 🙂 Guess what? I’m going to vigorously disagree with you both.

    It seems to me the biggest comment I hear from the anti-soccer crowd is “I don’t get it.” I understand that; If a person hasn’t played a sport, doesn’t understand the rules or nuances of the game, they won’t get it. I don’t “get” cricket, but I don’t know the first thing about it. Further, how is it that the rest of the world and those Americans who have played soccer, “get it?” That should account for something.

    Our three most popular spectator sports are baseball, football and basketball. It’s no coincidence that these are “American”sports and since Americans are incredibly provincial when it comes their sports, it doesn’t surprise me that many are dismissive of soccer. But if soccer had started here and we were a world power it would be enormously popular. I don’t think scoring has anything to do with its popularity or lack thereof. If scores were consistently 5-3 would the “I don’t get it” crowd feel differently? Doubtful. I watched the Argentina-Iran game yesterday, which ended 1-0, and it was one of the most exciting games I’ve ever seen. I suppose it felt like watching a 1-0 no-hitter with the excitement building on every pitch. You never hear people complaining about the score in a brilliantly pitched game.

    Baseball and football are ingrained in our culture’s psyche and sports can create and bond community in ways that are important and valuable. But if baseball had been introduced to Americans, the way soccer has been in the last thirty years, I very much doubt we would have picked it up, particularly now, given what TV has done to the game: four hour marathons, guys constantly tugging on their jewels–what’s up with that, anyway–managers and coaches continually walking out to the mound, players stepping in and out of the box and taking forever to hit, and incessant breaks for commercials. I like baseball but the games are a cure for insomnia.

    High schoolers in many parts of the country are bored to tears by baseball. In many areas, many more kids play lacrosse. Much more action, excitement and exercise. As for the greatness or popularity of a sport, is lacrosse not a great game because it is not a popular TV sport? Anyway, what we are really talking about is the popularity of sports on TV–folks sitting on their butts watching sports–as opposed to those playing them.

    I played all the “American sports” and I played soccer. While I was decent at the American sports I can’t say the same about soccer; I had little to no skill. But it was probably the best sports experience I had. I loved the team aspect, the need for topnotch conditioning and watching someone who was incredibly talented perform feats I could only imagine. One last thing: Everyone loves it when a pro quarterback hits a wide receiver on the fly, fifty yards down the field. Well, professional soccer players, every guy on the field, can do that…with both feet. Convinced, lads?

  3. John Sponcia says:

    Thanks Charlie, I know you coached soccer and I expected your response and of course I respect it. I also agree with you on the level of boredom involved in today’s baseball – I hate how long it takes, 3-4 hours versus 2-3 hours in the 1960s when we played and watched it.
    I would never argue soccer players aren’t finely conditioned athletes. I am merely saying that it hasn’t caught on in the US (perhaps because it wasn’t invented here)and we ARE provincial in our selection of sports. Personally I think hockey (a Canadian sport) is the most exciting sport to watch, and at my advanced age, my favorite one to play is racquetball, a much less popular sport. If you are correct and soccer breaks into the ‘top 3’ in the US, I will buy you dinner at the best restaurant in Redhook! That’s a promise, my friend!
    Jack

    1. Funny you mention hockey, Jack. I actually deleted a remark I was going to make about hockey. Yes, it’s a Canadian sport and probably one of the reasons it’s not as popular as other sports; plus very few of us played it and some say–although it seems you and I don’t feel this way–that it’s hard to follow on TV.
      I think if you got 1000 people together who had never seen baseball, football, soccer, basketball or hockey and let them watch a good game of each the order of interest might be 1) hockey 2 and 3) tie between basketball and soccer 4)football 5)baseball.

    2. If soccer breaks into a “top three” American sport, Jack, you’ll be buying me dinner in heaven not Redhook. I think it might some time before that happens.

Comments are closed.